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There’s Gold in Them Hills

Location: “Ashe-Vegas,” North Carolina

Asheville, aka ‘Ashe-Vegas,’ North Carolina. A city described as the ‘Paris of the Southeast.’ Birthplace to Look Homeward Angel’s author Thomas Wolfe who, in his book, said, “Where? When? O lost, and by the wind grieved, ghost, come back again.” Fair enough. I spent most of my summers growing up near and around ‘Ashe-Vegas,’ a town that sleeps only because it’s too drunk, stoned or hungover to find anything better to do with itself. So, when a good friend invites you to a concert by one of the more popular progressive blues rock bands around, in Asheville, you find a way to go, and pray the whole ride up the mountain that you can muster the strength to come back down the next morning in time to make it to work.

Pregame: Small Corner Pub- nearly empty at 7pm, Wilco concert at 9pm

After meeting up with a few other friends in the area, we started with ‘irish-car-bombs’ (nectar of the gods) and got good and ready to walk down to the auditorium for the concert. Once inside, we moved on to vodka-cranberries; weak, yes, but the bar was limited and bourbon makes me aggressive or puts me to sleep. The concert though, was everything I imagined it would be. Punk-rock-looking girls intermingled with hairy hippie chicks- (the most common real estate known to the territory) none of which looking very promising. Everyone, everyone was sparking bowls and popping ecstasy, which is always entertaining to watch. Especially, when you bump into that one guy who has his eyes completely closed while it looks like he’s rhythmically seizing to whatever music is playing in his head while the band tunes up. I went to the bathroom an hour later, and he was seated on the ground with his head hung between his legs. If he had come with any friends, they weren’t hanging out with him now. It went on like that for the rest of the night, people just getting wasted and listening to great music. My friend and I were able to maneuver our way to the front row which simply made the whole experience at least ten times better.

Targets: None, the music was good enough for now

Postgame: Basic bar in the downtown area

Once the concert was over, we wandered back outside and down a few streets towards the more populous areas of the city in search of liquor and ladies. Along the way we saw a group of what appeared to be good looking girls at a distance in a parking lot. I yelled at one, a girl in a white coat, who looked to be the most attractive of them. “Hey baby, where’s the party!?” rarely gets you anywhere though, so we kept walking and hit the jackpot: a nice large bar with a pool hall feel on one side, and a blues band playing on the other. There weren’t many girls anywhere, but we were happy to be listening to Al Green covers, having become used to the bar scenes in Mississippi and Memphis. The drink choice quickly turned to vodka-Redbulls and the night started getting interesting.

Targets and Strategy: a 60-some year old woman, and her mother

Sexy Older Woman Yes, scary, but they could dance, and few people realize how valuable much older women can be to your game, seriously. Obviously we weren’t going to hook-up with them, and obviously we weren’t attracted to them. They were bait. Old bait. Within ten minutes, two songs: “Love and Happiness” and “She’s a Brick House” we had drawn in three different groups of girls. Well, we hadn’t, the old bait had. Soon enough, I turned around and saw ‘white coat girl’; tall, long blond hair, skimpy little top, tight jeans, and tan- in the middle of November. She had taken her coat off by now, but she bellied up to the bar and I caught her eye in mid-spin with my dancing partner. She gave me an ‘aw, that’s cute’ smile and when the song finished I asked the old bait if she wanted a drink. She accepted, and we walked over to the bar, right next to the ‘white coat girl’ (WCG) and her friend. I looked them over and asked if they needed a drink too, paying the most attention to WCG, who I had concluded was at least a 9.5. Then, the bait began to pay off. We all sat around talking for a while; WCG, her friend, old bait and I, while my wingman friend continued dancing with old bait’s mom, ‘older bait.’

“Girls, this one has worn me out! One of ya’ll had better take him back out there ‘fore you miss out on a steal!” Old bait said, setting me up perfectly.

I laughed and then asked WCG if she wanted to dance. That was it, deal sealed. I used to hate my mom for making me take Southern Etiquette classes, but she always told me I’d be thankful one day. Since living in Mississippi and becoming obsessed with the local blues bars, she was right. I can’t dance that well, but I can move and spin a girl a little to your basic Rhythm and Blues song and I have met few good looking women that don’t love to show off on a dance-floor. WCG and I danced for a while, and my wingman eventually picked up and started dancing with her friend. We made out here and there in between songs until last call when they invited us to go get some late night food with them. We drove WCG and her friend to a gas station/fry kitchen for some shitty food and water while laughing at the fact that we were dancing with such older women.

Lesson Learned: Old Bait, Great Bait

Eventually we left the fry kitchen and drove them back to WCG’s apartment where I got out to walk the two girls in. My wingman had done everything I could have asked him to do, and as I got out of the car, he explained that I had better seal the deal although he was not interested in the friend. When I got out I was invited inside by WCG and told my friend, that it was fun and that I would see him later on in the year and he left to drive back to Tennessee. We got into WCG’s room around 3:30 in the morning and I asked her to take me back to my car at around 8:30am. We didn’t sleep much during those five hours, so the ride home was brutal, being that I was also still drunk, but very pleased. I listened to Wilco all the way back down the mountain and made it to work with 3 minutes to spare, with a ‘shit-eating grin’ across my face for the entire shift.

Good Time Score – 9.5/10
Phone Number – POSITIVE
Hook-Up - DEFINITELY